Where do we start, Men or Women? I think Men. Theirs are pretty easy to define and even easier to commence discussion. Besides, they haven’t ever been criticised enough
Men’s
Affection
The number one thing I hear men just don’t get is affection. Seriously, the distance most men will travel for a pat on the head, from the lady they love, is huge. It’s an inherent instinct in most species, not just humans, to want to look after and care for their mate.
Male crocodiles swim under their sweeties blowing bubbles out of their nose to give her that warm fuzzy, cared-for feeling. In all sincerity, think about the way you see the “do things for/show appreciation” equation. Ask yourself how often you just expect what your partner does or even correct them a little bit so they do the job better next time. When was the last time you showed affection and appreciation? Uttering the word Thanks, isn’t showing appreciation, that’s obligation. How many times do you reject your partner when they try to show affection, generally because they, gee, might want a little lovin’ too.
Why is it, we expect our partner to keep showing affection, to do those little things, but cut them off at the knees if they try for a hug or kiss? Is it seriously any wonder the efforts stop?
Sex
Do I really need to describe this? Women argue all the time men expect them to be Porn Stars.
Let’s look at this 2 ways shall we?
First, Did you play Porn Star before the commitment grew? Did you enjoy the Boombaroomba before the commitment solidified? So what changed? Was that deliberate False Advertising? If you got the enjoyment out of the effort then, are you just getting lazy or deliberately making him work harder for it now you’ve got monogamy on your side? Will he do his best to look after your Special Events? If not, have you ever shown him how to? I’m telling you, what works for some ladies, doesn’t for others. He may not know that part of your back you really like scratched.
Has it become routine and boring? It can happen, especially if there’s not plenty of mental sexual stimulation exploring each others fantasies. Have you tried being brave enough to trust him with your less conventional desires? Have you open mindedly asked about his? I’ll bet between you, there’s enough ideas to “want to” light that fire pretty brightly with some Role play or more.
Be Fair Dinkum here, did the Hooley Dooley slow down long before he stopped being so enthusiastic to your wants and needs?
Second, I promise, Feminists are going to hate this.
Think about the last few times you wanted your man to be paying attention to that growing list of expectations you gradually build. Think about when he put up some resistance and tried to push back or maybe even grew a pair and just said NO.
Once that’s in your mind, ask what you said to encourage/push/goad/coerce or outright emotionally blackmail him with. You know your moves, I don’t. Let’s just say it’s a stereotypical “Well, if you loved (or respected) me, you’d want to do blah, blah,blah for me……….. or a “This shows you don’t you care about me any more”. Think about this. How would it go down if Hubby pulled that bullshit on you for a little action? How well would you respond?
Whether you like it or not, whether it’s deliberate or not, sex is the most powerful weapon that’s ever been used. It’s started wars, changed entire religions, you name it.
Sex when withheld, (especially when deliberately calculated) is a subtle version of the Stanford Prison Experiment. Unchallengeable, single sided control is enforced against a commitment of monogamy. Most women who want to close up shop still demand complete fidelity even though they don’t want it. Seeing a FWB, prostitute or even looking at porn for masturbation is usually strictly forbidden, enforcing complete, unnatural celibacy. I understand how guilt and shame are then used if a forced celibate male gets caught with a Girlie magazine for relief. It ain’t good!
If you read about the Stanford Prison Experiment and more importantly, the control empowered by unilateral decision making, you’ll not just understand the comparison, you’ll find your own extensions of how manipulative it can be and how dire the effects become. If you’re Fundamentally aligned with modern Feminism, I’d pretty much expect you’ll be loading your shotgun right now!
I’m no Sexpert, but if the issues are deeper than these, I know where to find professionals that can help.
Food
Every person has their favorites, some have complex wants obvious by years of MasterChef viewing. Others prefer the basics with a few trimmings. In most cases, if he likes the higher end and he cooks, why don’t you get in and do the meals with him or at least converse with him while he does it. The shared experience brings Food to a relationship item again. If he’s got the culinary skills of a Rabid Blue Heeler, you’ll know the simple things he likes. When he’s done things you’ve asked or expect, why not try doing this. Seriously, that’s just the “Pat on the Head” we men need. You can’t tell me you haven’t heard “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” . That’s sorta true. For most of us, it’s knowing you were actually thinking about it
As a footnote, if you’re shy for time, bloody near every man would give you more undying attention for a 1/2 hour session than a 2 hour prep time meal.
Balance
This is a topic I need to prepare further so I don’t oversimplify.
Balance involves so many aspects, it’s a book all by itself but here are a few of the basics
How many times does each partner initiate physical contact. AFFECTIONATE! Hitting him shoulder to shoulder while scowling as you walk down the hallway doesn’t count! Count the touches, the pecks on the cheek, the placing a hand on your partner’s shoulder or back, gently touching their forearm, holding hands, etc. This is one of the greatest NVC (Non Verbal Communications) known to man. Do you want the stats on this?
Now, here’s an even bigger NVC. Count how many times when one touches the other, the touched person recoils or withdraws. A single recoil to touch seems to be around 5-10 times more powerful at saying “Leave Me Alone” as the affectionate touch says, I want you. I’ll bet the stats on that would cause a few surprises.
It’s my observation men and women measure favours, help and doing for their partner very differently. Contrary to popular male belief, women do as many things for men, in many cases more, so why do men universally say they do much more for their partners? Wanna hear the really funny part first, well to me anyway. This observation appears to include gay couples, although maybe not as badly. Most gay couples tend to have a “More Feminine” and a “More Masculine” partner so the traits carry through. Where this does get confusing at times is a lot of gay couples exchange those traits at various times.
GENERALISATION ALERT!
Men, more often take on the large tasks requiring trade, tool or specialised skills. This usually applies even where the man isn’t super tech. It’s far more exaggerated when the man is Super-Tech personified!
When the new garden shed kit arrives, does the man usually take responsibility and ask for help to stabilise a wall while he connects the next wall or does the female? When the kit furniture arrives, is it most often the male takes responsibility? Does she take charge or assist? When success isn’t coming easily, is it more likely the male or the female cracks it and storms of or says “Just leave me do it” in your relationship? Pay attention to these, they’re major tell-tales in your dynamics.
When a house extension is required or a car engine, gearbox or clutch needs replacement, in most households does the male take responsibility, even when the job is outsourced? YES, today females do actively get involved in the house reno but this principle often largely applies even here. Does the male go to pick up the goods? Choose the tiles? Pick the colours?
Women believe in Multi-tasking, men generally don’t. Generally, multi-tasking means managing many small tasks simultaneously. Whilst I don’t actually believe in multitasking, I believe the concept minimises duplication of walk/drive times etc reducing inefficiencies.
Combine the two paragraphs above and a common pattern emerges. Men, more often do less tasks of larger size while women do more tasks of smaller size. So how do we compare? Well, there’s your first indicator a relationship is already in the Pre-Flush vortex. People, by nature don’t start measuring, until they want to prove an idea they’ve already concieved.
Here’s where I reckon it all goes to shit. Women seem to count number of favours done. Men seem to count number of hours spent for each other. Universally, men and women seem to count mutually beneficial tasks as “for their partner”. Are you starting to see how this unfolds? This starts as I’ve done this for you so………………….. Guess who always has the longer list? Guess who feels the most underappreciated. If this isn’t successfully negotiated, NOT argued, right here, once that vortex starts, it’s only a matter of rotation numbers before that Big Black Hole is your destiny.
As a side note, one really interesting observation is painting. Who’s better? When a female enthusiastically takes on a trade skill like painting, they’re very often far better with the edging, they’re usually more consistent with their stroke overlaps, coat thickness and almost universally, better with drop sheets etc. Who’s better on ceilings and normally faster? usually men. Who’s best overall? Ask me later, better still, come help me paint my house so I can observe!
Man-cave time
Most men that are upset, annoyed, had a shiity day at work, really prefer to blow off a little steam in their Man-Cave. Their personal Man-Cave might be the Playstation, for others, it’s the Home Office, mine is the workshop. When blokes need to think things through, they’re not like you. They can’t Multi-task like you. That means they can’t Talk to you, absorbing and processing that conversation while mulling their own stuff over.
Part of the purpose of playing the game or unbolting a motorcycle part etc, is they process one thought, then do an action, process another thought, do another action. I’m no Psychoanalyst, don’t ask me why, I just know many men work their stuff out like that. If they don’t get their Man-Cave time, they end up trying to multi-task.
If you don’t believe this is how men operate, try this with a few. Ask them to think of a red playing card. Then ask them to think of a blue biro. get them to change a couple of times, one, then the other. Next ask them to think of both items separately. Most men CANT. They’ll come up with one of two poor substitutes. They’ll either see the biro sitting or writing on the card or they’ll swap back and forward.
Do you want your man doing that while you want his concentration?
Toys
Stages of life dictate the expectations here.
Are you just starting out young? The toys will be a critical part of a man being happy. Assuming, yes, I said assuming, the lady is getting her Fair share of her wants, appropriate level toys aren’t selfish. Yep, locking himself away all the time may be. That’s the sort of discussion and agreements that need to be made early to establish fair balance
Did the man already have his sports car/Motor bike etc before you shacked up? Did you make him sell them? Guess what, he earned them. He’s going to want them back.
Just remember, Fair is a 2 way street. If you eliminate other parts of the relationship that are important to him, he’ll probably look for more toy time as a substitute.
Women’s
Show/prove you love me
Listen to me
Understand what I really want, not just what I say.
Never look at other women
Well, seriously, doesn’t every woman dream of an Adonis, doing her ironing?
Teamwork
Teamwork was an extremely powerful commitment between married couples historically. Work was divided according to who was most suited to that work. As a married couple, you looked after each other’s wants and needs. It didn’t matter who did or earned what, the household was the team unit. This worked from the beginning of recorded history until the mid 1900’s. Everything started massive shifts, starting mid 60’s. It needed to because there were women, and men, this wasn’t working for. Throw in a Sexual revolution, just for good measure and it was 50/50 whether this new system would work.
My observations were that it worked pretty well
Did it always work? NO! A percentage of both men and women shirked their responsibilities. A percentage of both men and women were unfaithful. Most times, a couple could work through and resolve issues to mutual satisfaction.
Princess in the tower
As much as the modern female wants to think she’s capable of riding the white stallion, in her armour, saving the world, that’s rarely part of life’s real choices.
I’m not saying women can’t ride that stallion. I came from a horse family and saw countless great female riders, but that’s not what the fairy tales represent. Whether we talk Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Rapunzel or Shrek, we have a strong reliable man who’s totally committed in life and limb to her well being. Her man will risk all to ensure, not just her well being but her “Happily Ever After”.
Does every modern female know those stories are fairy tales? Of course! Psychologically, once those behaviours and beliefs are entrenched as children, why would you accept any less? That would be selling yourself short wouldn’t it?
Those beliefs still held value prior to equality being established. When women didn’t earn much and had no vote, their man was the Prince Charming. Couples generally functioned as a team. Sadly, now, even imply those values or characteristic and you’re nothing more than a misogynist chauvinist. What’s really amusing is if you don’t silently provide it, you’re simply not a high enough level man.
The higher the level of entitlement, the more reality, the fairy tales, the myths and expectations just turn into a hazy blur, especially when the goal posts move on a mood by mood basis. Is it any wonder guys can’t work it out?
Can have it all
The more women believe they have the ability to have everything, all on their timeline, including running at least 50% of the top 100 companies, while being super-mum, while being the aerobics master and maintaining a great circle of friends, there’s no chance.
The men and women who choose to go after those Uber leadership positions display a level of capability and commitment 99.9% of people can’t match. They spend years preparing for the roles. Men and women who choose to go after those Uber leadership positions usually work 70-90 hours per week. They study hard, early and maintain focus. They usually take very little time actually off even on their holidays. They often don’t stay married and regularly miss their childrens functions due to travel and time commitments. Top CEO’s don’t take 4-7 years out for childbearing, then work 40-45 hours per week for a reasonable Work/Life balance. Women can and do, get those roles, when they provide the same commitment, responsibility and capability
You don’t get roles like that based on fairness, a good application letter or gender balance. You get it because the board or business owners believe the appointee will make more profit than anyone else can. If a vacuum cleaner could do the job best, a vacuum cleaner would occupy that chair.
This is the entire issue with Entitlement thinking. If you can envision it, because you’re you, that vision is deserved.